why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
