If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
