Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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