I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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