my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Randomize
