Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
