Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
