I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
