Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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