true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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