Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
