I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize