Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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