I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
