now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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