I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
