I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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