yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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