they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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