I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
