I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize