new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
