I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
how drunk are you?
Several
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
