I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
