Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
