just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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