so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
