You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
