so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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