I cannot find my penis.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
