it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
