just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
