You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
