Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Randomize
