he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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