piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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