Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
