no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
