Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(973): View more from New Jersey

but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days

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(407): View more from Florida

Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"

(913): View more from Kansas

did you yell "are you not entertained?"

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(516): View more from New York

i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go

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(757): View more from Virginia

I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.

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