U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
