i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize