Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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