girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
