Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
