More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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