apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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