I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
