I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
