So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
