Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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