And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
