After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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