Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
