Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
sex in a hospital.. check
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize