I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
