i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
